I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
