I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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