You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
