New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize