Your mouth is God's brothel.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
