Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
