I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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