Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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