His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
