Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
