I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize