Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
