Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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