Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
