i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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