it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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