I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
