Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
