And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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