I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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