you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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