You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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