I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
