I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
