Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Randomize
