Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
