I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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