I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
