Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
