I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
