sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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