peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
