Capitaan dildo arrescate!
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
