sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
