well I can't set my house on fire every night
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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