does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
