4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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