What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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