Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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