went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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