My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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