Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
