What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
