In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
is wine microwaveable?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
whose ass print is on the piano?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
