just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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