when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
