the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
