Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
