1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
