I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
