I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
