God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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