Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
