so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
