I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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