remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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