She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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