There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
