And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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