Don't make out with my wife yet
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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